Having Faith When God’s Plan Doesn’t Make Sense: Part 1 of 3-ish
How many times have you been at a crossroads in your life where you’re just not sure where God is leading you? Man, I feel this DEEP in my soul right now! My tiny family has found itself at the center of several metaphorical “forks in the road” in the last 6 months. Things that I, as a Type A control freak, would never have planned for myself are now at the forefront of our lives, staring me down and daring me to question what in the world God is doing. This is why I’ve been absent lately. Please tell me that you’ve been there too?
I guess for any of this to make sense, I have to explain where we’ve been and where life is taking us. At least for now (and really, it’s only part of the crazy story).
From the start of Kindergarten in August for my kiddo, life seemed to hand us our fair share of lemons. Trey hated school. He cried every morning. He cried at nights when he remembered that he had to go to school the next day. He refused to go on field trips, didn’t want to participate in any activities. Each day would bring the same ole’ thing: we fight to get him dressed as he kicks and screams, barricade him in the car, teachers and counselors pull him out of the car each morning. Rinse. Repeat. His tantrums were out of control. No one seemed to have an answer as to what was going on except the same “He’ll get over it. Kindergarten is just a hard adjustment.” We even heard “It’s just attitude. Whip him.” In the midst of one of these daily tantrums, sometime in September, God burdened my heart with something that I never thought I would want to do. God said to me, why are you putting yourself through this each day? Why are you pouring so much into other people when you could pour into your child. Remember, your home is your mission field. Of course, at this point I’m thinking, back away Satan. I can’t quit my job. I mentioned it to my husband who sort of scoffed (for lack of a better word) and said he didn’t want his kid removed from school and homeschooled. I just knew that it was Satan attacking me because I was just tired of fighting with my kiddo.
I struggled with this for MONTHS. We fought with my kiddo every day. We could barely leave the house because he had so many tantrums about leaving and being separated from home, from his parents, etc. I tried everything. I tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy books. I tried belly breathing, sending “stuffies” to school. I attempted matching bracelets, sending pictures of us, and “tugging on his invisible string” strategies. Nothing. Nope. Nada. He wasn’t having it. Finally, I decided to take him to counseling and they told me that he has major separation anxiety and that it would get better. We had an excellent Christmas break and things were returning to normal. That was, until it was time to return to school.
The first week back after Christmas break was the most intense fighting from him that I had seen. He even graduated to throwing up. Finally my husband agreed that he was tired of fighting and allowed me to remove our kiddo from the public school setting. This, however, had its own set of challenges. How in the world would I work full time, take care of my home, attend church where we help in the youth group and I serve on the worship team, and still find time to homeschool my kiddo? Let me tell you, it’s been a tumultuous journey, but it has worked out! It wasn’t easy. God began, though, to further work on my heart. I felt like God was calling me to step away from my job and be a stay at home, homeschool momma. I didn’t understand this. How could I give up my salary? How could I give up everything I’ve worked so hard for? How could I give up insurance? I’ve never even WANTED to be a stay at home mom (don’t hate me). Slowly, though, God began to ease these worries through conversation with Godly people and through sermons that felt like my Pastor was aiming right at me.
It was at a Winter Youth Retreat when I finally understood that God WAS, in fact, calling me to leave my career of 8 years behind to focus on serving Him and rearing my family. It was clear, in that moment, what I had to do. The decision wasn’t easy. Sometimes I don’t feel like my family or my co-workers completely understand. Heck, they actually don’t even all know. But, what is clear is that I absolutely have to follow God’s will for my life. So, at the end of this school year, I will be stepping away from the place that I have made a home, and from the co-workers that I so dearly love. God is renewing and refreshing my heart, and allowing me to be a missionary in the greatest field: my home.
My friends, I share this first part of my story to let you know a few things. First, I want you to know that if you’re in a season of life that doesn’t make sense, you aren’t alone. You don’t have to worry and fret because, honestly, there are so many others out there who are in similar seasons and probably needs someone to talk to and to encourage them as well. Reach out to wise counsel. Find someone who will pray fervently for you (I know having an army of sisters in Christ has made such a difference for me). I also want you to know that, even when we don’t understand, God still has a plan. He is still writing our story. It’s always going to end up being for His glory.
Probably the best advice, though, that I could give you, is to just surrender it to God. There’s something so special about pouring your heart out to the Maker who orders our steps. No where else can you find this peace that passes ALL understanding.
I’m still a little lost at what God’s plan may be. I’m confused. I sometimes waiver in my faith. But, I am continuing to allow God to be the author of my story and slowly relinquishing control. I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I DO know who HOLDS tomorrow.
This story segment is to be continued very shortly, as God is working on even more plans that I can’t share just yet. This is only part 1 of 3-ish parts!
-In His Name