Having Faith When God’s Plan Doesn’t Make Sense: Part 2
Before you begin reading, please note: This post could be a trigger for those who have experienced loss.
I’ve been long awaiting the drafting of this post, contemplating exactly what I would say. As hinted at in my previous post, life has been full of curveballs lately; things that I really just cannot wrap my mind around.
If you missed Part 1, let me give you a quick recap. Kindergarten was not great. We are now homeschooling our kiddo and I will be resigning from my teaching career of 8 years to pursue full-time homeschool mommy, Marketing Manager of my husband’s sales lot, and running this online ministry.
Okay, now that you’re caught up, we can chat part 2. I’m just picking up my story.
If you know me, you know that I am SO Type-A. I like having a backup plan for my plans, and then a backup plan for that plan. I prefer to know ALL of the details and plan things out ahead of time. Having become a mommy of two rambunctious boys, I quickly learned that I can’t always operate that way, but I still like to know the details. Enter God. I think sometimes he likes to laugh at our plans when we make them because, in reality, only HE knows how life will pan out.
While I spent time trying to wrap my mind around leaving behind an 8 year career to be a stay-at-home mom, God had further plans for me. Plans that, in my mind, do not make sense. Maybe it’s because I am so Type-A, but trying to make sense of this new adventure has been a little bit of a struggle and a BIG adjustment.
Mere weeks after officially letting my boss know that I would not be returning, I found out the unexpected: my husband and I are expecting baby #3! You’re probably thinking “How is this an adjustment? Why has this been a struggle?” Remember me? The definition of Type-A? Here I was, just having resigned from my job, giving up my monthly income and insurance coverage, only to find out that we were adding another whole person to our family. Mrs. Backup plan did not plan this into her plan, if that even makes sense. I was filled with all of the questions. How would we support this new addition without my income? How would the insurance coverage work out? How in the world am I going to homeschool my 2 kiddos AND have a newborn on my hip? What is happening? You may be thinking that I’m nuts right about now, but to me, these are all valid fears.
After I wrapped my mind around the fact that we WERE having another baby, more fear set in. This time, the fears were a direct attack from Satan himself, seeking to destroy my joy. Satan told me that I couldn’t allow myself to feel joy. Satan filled my mind with thoughts like, “Don’t get excited. You could lose the baby. Wouldn’t that be like God to teach you a lesson? What if God wants to use this as a ministry opportunity to reach those who lose or have lost their babies. You’ve always experienced bad things, so prepare yourself for more.” It has been a DAILY struggle to allow myself to feel joy. It has been a constant defeating of Satan to be able to share the information about our baby with others, letting them in on our newest ventures. Daily, I have to submit myself to prayer, rebuking Satan and telling him that he CANNOT steal my joy.
Isn’t that just like him though? The Bible says that Satan seeks to devour us. He wants to steal our joy and make us question God. He will use whatever he can to attack us, distract us, and pull us away from God’s will and hinder our ability to surrender to God. I think the overall lesson I’ve learned, and something I have to remind myself daily, is that God is the AUTHOR of my story. He knew what would happen long before I was even born. He knows the number of hairs that will be on my baby’s head. He knows the purpose of this baby and its story. God has a purpose, and it isn’t up to me to figure it out. It’s just up to me to trust God with my life, with my baby’s life, and with my family’s life. It’s up to me to surrender our lives to the path God has laid out for us, and to just follow the steps he has order. And it’s up to me to follow SO closely to God that I don’t even allow Satan’s doubts to have a minute of my attention.
Friends, whatever fears Satan is filling you with right now, rebuke him. Turn him away. Think on the good things, the miraculous things of God. As someone younger and much wiser than me has said, You become what you behold. Don’t allow yourself to behold the fears and anxieties Satan sets before you. Behold and become the goodness and image of God. Know this, friends. You aren’t alone in fighting this battle: God is with you, and so am I!
-In His Name
Heart & Home